Some Things

On Sunday I head to Portland for some days, and I get to see a lot of people that I've been missing terribly.
What I don't understand is how come this week is taking FOREVER to be done. Other weeks, weeks I don't care about, fly by almost as if they didn't happen. I mean I swear it went from September to December in two days and now this one week is lasting for years. It's just rude.

In other news I deleted my facebook account. I found that every time I got on there it just made me feel sad, depressed and lonely. Which I don't think is the appropriate reaction but since I couldn't stop it I decided to just remove the catalyst until I feel I can handle my emotions better.

Here are things that are making me happy today:
Coffee with Peppermint Mocha creamer
My Christmas tree, which still smells delicious
Finding out that 30 Rock will be back in January


Thankful, day 3

Today I got to help my sister with my niece Abby's birthday party. She'd invited over 8 of her friends, they played games, split open a pinata, ate cupcakes, put on cute little owl masks, opened presents and other things that involved a lot of girl screaming and squealing.
I helped Kareen in the making of the owl masks, the decorating of the cupcakes and the bashing of the pinata.
After the party I went home for a little and then went over to babysit two of my other nieces, Katelyn and Marcela. We ate pizza, colored, played screaming games in Marcela's room while she jumped on and off the bed, I assisted in bathtime, and even got in a short snuggle session with both girls.

I am very thankful to be living by my family again after all these years. Being able to babysit and help with parties is so much fun.


If only it didn't cause pruny fingers

I have always enjoyed a really hot shower. The kind where the steam fills up the room and then comes billowing out behind you when you open the bathroom door. The best thing about my shower here is that it's instantly hot, none of that pesky "waiting for the water to heat up" time. Today I am thankful for that, for the ability to take a hot shower whenever I want, for as long as I want.


I wish I could be thankful for a fireplace

I am usually not a fan of starting one holiday before it's time - I think Thanksgiving gets passed over for the flashier and louder Christmas and I do not approve. But today I needed something to warm the cockles of my heart, and to do so I turned to music, Christmas music. Right now I'm listening to a holiday station on Pandora and it's doing just the job it was intended for.
Just because life doesn't look the way I thought it would at this point in my life doesn't mean I don't have things to be thankful for. I'm going to make it more of a point to focus on those things in hopes that by the time Christmas rolls around this year I'll have a lot less cockles that need warming.

Today I am thankful for:

Yes, I'm thankful for my cats. I take back all those words I said about me not being a pet person and admit that I was wrong. Last weekend they were both gone at the vet all day long and it was very lonely at my house, it made me realize that having these two little kitties in my life warded off a lot of loneliness without me even realizing it.


My Eyes!

So, dating and love has not been easy for me - I mean I tend to fall in love easily but it's the finding someone to stay in love with that has failed me. On a walk with my sister on Sunday we were talking about online dating and we both were talking about how "not for us" it was. But, then we also talked about how it might be the only way to meet new people so we thought that maybe if we did it together it might be more doable. I created for myself a profile on match. Can I just tell you how much I HATE filling out things about myself? I loathe it, as soon as I try to write about myself I become the most boring, un-witty person on the planet when really I am quite awesome.
Anyhow, I filled it out (sort of) and then started looking at the matches that were suggested for me. I realize even before I type what I'm about to type that it's going to sound mean and conceited but I'm going to say it anyway. I clicked on some of the photos of these guys and immediately wished I could undo the damage. Gah! My eyes, my EYES! I do not need to be with a model type (God knows I'm not the model type) but I would like to be with someone who sets my little heart a flutter. Come on internet, figure it out.


Slumber Party

A while ago I had Marcela over to spend the night. She got all the snacks ready, she pulled the bags of crackers out of their boxes, threw the boxes on the floor and put all the bags around her. We watched 'Over the hedge' which is super cute but held my attention for longer than it held hers.

So then we spent a long time playing with the "little kitty" and keeping the "big kitty" away from Marcela. The "big kitty" was not impressed with the additional person running around the house so keeping him away from her was in everyone's best interest.

At around 8:15 Marcela announced that it was bedtime, so we went to my room read some books and then cuddled up. My plan was to just cuddle with her until she fell asleep and then go back out into the living room and do some things like watch t.v., play on the internet, or read. What actually happened though was that I fell asleep and I have my suspicions that I was asleep before she was.

Marcela is coming over again tonight to spend the night and I'm so excited, she's so cute and sweet. I love getting to have her spend the night, being an aunt is fun.


Your awesome, I new it all along...and other things their not gonna tell you

Oh my gosh you guys, I'm about to lose it. Misspellings are cropping up more and more and becoming even more stupid if that's possible. Tonight I saw someone misspell "knew" and instead they said "I new that." These things should not happen; I mean maybe one or two of them could be reasonably explained away through things like auto-correct, or momentary brain loss. But the level at which I'm seeing these things leads to me believe a lot of the population out there is walking around with permanent brain loss.

If you're reading this blog you probably already know of my extreme dislike for people who use "your" instead of "you're" or "their" instead of "they're". Are contractions really that difficult? Do people really not care that the sentence they're putting together makes no sense if they something like this: "I hope your coming to the party their going to have snacks and live music." Just think about that sentence for a minute...try to make it make sense with the spellings that are in there. I bet you can't do it.

I have to make a confession. My ex used "your" instead of "you're" in texts often. I silently judged him, but I should've broken up with him the very first time he did it. Standards people, you've got to have standards.


All that glitters is....probably something I love

Tonight I painted a pumpkin. I love her, she sparkles and is glittery. She's a glamour pumpkin.

I love holidays, crafts, and all things sparkly.


What I did today

I also made caramel apples, but the caramel wasn't ready for a close up, but boy oh boy it sure did taste good!


Mmmmm, foods

Something is driving me crazy lately. Here's an example:

Why should I regret eating a cookie? I never regret eating cookies, I never regret eating two or three cookies. You know what I do regret? Running, I regret running. Every. Single. Time. It leaves me feeling broken and much older than I actually am for days afterwards. I think it's the wrong sort of message to send as a form of motivation. You shouldn't have to deny yourself things you really love, that is no way to live life.
The quote that drives me the most crazy though is this one:

People who think that this is true is clearly not eating the right types of food. And if you're denying yourself all the food you really love and enjoy eating then being skinny won't be enjoyable at all.

Why is the motivations circulating out there all about denying yourself the foods you love? It drives me absolutely insane, just eat the things you love to eat (in moderation) and get up and move more than you have in the past. I will never be a size 4, and I am happy with that because I enjoy eating and I enjoy life and stressing out all the time about spending enough time in the gym working out isn't worth it to me.

I realize that I could avoid these quotes that make me want to punch the computer by not browsing on pinterest, but that isn't going to be possible so I'm just going to vent and then try to get over it.


People are Stupid

I live next door to my aunt, a couple weekends ago she had a yard sale. Some of the big stuff that didn't sale (trashily enough) is still sitting in the yard under tarps. I'm afraid that those things are going to stay there all winter long and I'm going to have to work up the nerve to say something snarky to my aunt like "so, are you hoping those things just get stolen out there or what?"
That's not what I want to write about, well not only that. Let me explain to you first that my little house sits on a little plot of land, but the yard is clearly marked off with a wood fence and there are not any miscellaneous items in it, nothing that could be mistaken for yard sale items. Unless someone wants to buy my struggling rose bushes. My aunt's house next door (which used to be my grandma and grandpa's house) has a very large yard which is also marked off by a wooden fence. In between our two yards is a fairly wide gravel driveway. Is anyone confused yet as to which yard has the garbage yard sale stuff in it? No? Well then good for you, you are clearly smarter than the average idiot.
About twice a week for the past couple weeks people have pulled into the gravel driveway between the houses and when deciding which house to walk to in order to inquire about the really awesome stuff in the yard they somehow choose mine. Think about that for a second....there is a house sitting on the plot of land with all the goodness and yet these geniuses decide to go to the house with it's very own, very clean yard. When they come to the door and I have to tell them the obvious, that the stuff belongs to the house over there, they always look at me with a blank stare as if I've said something confusing.
That's not the end of it though. I've spent a little bit of time on my front porch and I had to stop because every single time I sat out there someone would stop and ask about "my" stuff in the yard. Do you want to know what I say to those people? "That stuff belongs to the house over there, that's not my yard." And then I berate them in my head for being such big idiots.
Some people are annoying.


To waste, or not to waste

A couple weekends ago I went to Seattle for a Coaches Conference, I can't say everything I heard there was brilliant, most of it was forgotten as soon as I stood up, or never even acknowledged because I was busy practicing my cursive by writing song lyrics but there was one thing that really stood out to me. The opening speaker is someone I've known for a very long time , she is dynamic and hilarious, she kept my attention the whole time and I actually took real notes. So here's what she said that really stood out to me: "Don't waste my heartbeats." If, with every heartbeat we get closer to death we need to make sure that every heartbeat counts. And yes, as I'm writing that I am sitting on my couch in sweats "playing" on the internet but those are things I really enjoy doing and so therefore are not wasted heartbeats. However, I recently wasted way too many heartbeats trying to convince someone that they wanted to be a part of my life, that I was worth it - those heartbeats I will never get back and I should've used them on something more worthwhile. Friends, don't waste your heartbeats and don't let other people waste them for you. I'm not just talking about boys here, there are a lot of situations/people in life that we devote ourselves to without appreciation or forward growth and it's time to look at those things and say: "I'm not going to allow you to waste any more of my heartbeats."


Hardly ever boring

I ride the bus a lot here, and most of the time my rides are uneventful and I spend my time reading or listening to music or both. But sometimes I have to spend my time pretending to read while secretly eavesdropping or sneaking glances of the people that board. Here are a few of the most memorable riding experiences so far.

*It was about 5 in the evening and I was on my way to teach dance at the studio when the bus stopped to pick up a passenger right off of a very busy street in Richland not near a residential area. The woman who boarded was wearing pajama pants, slippers, and carrying a pillow. She was not carrying with her however an overnight bag or a suitcase which would've indicated she was headed for a slumber party somewhere. Also please note I used the word "woman" to indicate that she was not a young girl or teen who would maybe just borrow all of her friends items upon arrival.

*It was around 1 in the afternoon and I was on my way to coaching at the high school when a conversation in the back of the bus caught my attention away from my book. I'm thinking the age of the kids speaking were either in high school but skipping at the time or just out of high school without any time to mature. One very boisterous kid speaking in a louder than appropriate voice was telling his fellow bus-mates in the back how he has done shrooms with his mom, gotten high with his mom, and done other various illegal things with his mom. My first thought was "Seriously? There is a mom out there like that? She should not get to be a mom." Before I can be appalled even further he interrupts my thoughts by calling this "mom" on the phone and telling her he'd like her to give him pot for Christmas. I'm assuming this was supposed to impress the people surrounding him, I have no idea if it did though because I was busy trying to control myself from walking back there and smacking them all upside the head and then calling the police to tell on them.

*The next hilarious boarding/inappropriate loud conversation was on another evening where I was headed to the studio teach. Halfway through my ride the bus stops to pick up a man who boards the plane carrying two (TWO!) cases of Smirnoff Ice. Imagine for a second the stereotype of a guy who might carry two cases of S.I. onto the bus, got it? Yep, you're right, that's what he looked like. He proceeds to the back of the bus (I generally sit more front to middle-ish). I go back to reading my book until the loud voice of a girl chatting this guy up interrupts my focus. I have no idea how this conversation got started or why this portion of it needed to be so loud but it was very amusing to me so I was okay with it. Here is what I remember of it in the exact wording as far as I can remember:
Smirnoff Ice Man: I like strong girls who can stand up for themselves.
Loud Over Sharer Girl: Oh yeah, for sure. I definitely stand up for myself, I've been in a lot of fights but not for a while.
SIM: (silence)
LOSG: Yeah, I mean I'm nice until you provoke me and then watch out. I'm bi-polar so you really don't want to get on my bad side.
From here the conversation takes a turn into a weird over-share about her bi-polar tendencies and the group she goes to and how suddenly she can flip her switch to total crazy. He joins in to the conversation with over-shares of his own about people he knows that are crazy and possibly bi-polar. This goes on until we reach the transfer station where they both get out at the same time and I'm allowed a view of her for the first time. Which I'm sure you can already imagine based on what she was talking about at a high volume on a public bus.



The phone I have sometimes likes to call people all by itself. Most of the time I catch the calls within the first few seconds but every once in a while I don't and then when I look at my phone later I get that "oh crap I've called someone I never want to talk to again, and they probably think I meant to call them" feeling. I hate that feeling so I finally took the time to go through my contacts and erase everyone in there that I would be embarrassed to call accidentally. There were A LOT of left over numbers in there from work/school/dance that I'd just been too lazy to go through and clean out. It made me wonder about how many random phones my number is still in, how many people out there that I never talk to anymore are walking around with a way to contact me? It's weird to think about.


Oh so basically I failed

I don't think I made it even a week with posting every day. Part of it was my fault with the whole being lazy part of myself, but then part of it was not my fault because my wireless router broke and I had no internet at my house.

What did I do with no internet? I read a lot, even more than usual. I exercised which surprised me because I even went jogging a couple of times, but mostly I just got on my bike more and rode around. However the extra effort is not reflected in the way my clothes are fitting which reinforces the sit around and read life style that I prefer.

I need to start doing more interesting things so that I have things to say that wouldn't bore even my diary.


Kids these days

Yesterday it was in the low 90's here, and it felt coolish. I put on my bikini, took my book out into the backyard and laid out for a couple hours. It was glorious I tell you. Hot, but not smothering. While I was out there yesterday I found myself wishing that I could lay out all year long, but I don't really mean it. I love the seasons. And if it stayed warm all year I'd have no excuse to use the fire pit in my backyard. I just need to learn how to start a fire without having to use half a phone book as "kindling".

Tonight I'm headed to my first high school football game as a coach. I'm excited to watch the girls perform under the lights, it's their first school performance of the year and I know they're all super crazy excited about it. I have a feeling though that I'm going to have to restrain myself from reprimanding kids about their choice of clothing. The other day I was walking up to the school as it was letting out for the day and I could not believe some of the things those kids were wearing. Shorts so short that lady parts are barely covered up? Not appropriate.


I am a pleasure

I love watching romantic comedies, it's my favorite genre even though I know what's going to happen. The predictability helps me enjoy the movie instead of having to feel stressed or anxious about the outcome. Watching a movie with even the slightest amount of suspense or action in it is not nearly as enjoyable. I get nervous and scared and entirely worked up. Usually I take small pieces of my hair and start braiding them. It's a good thing movies like that aren't longer otherwise there are a few points in my life where I would have been walking around with a head full of tiny tightly woven braids.
If ever you watch a non-romantic comedy movie with me don't sit too close. I might grab you, jump so high I spill water all over you (yes that happened in real life), or just turn and stare at you instead of the t.v. I also tend to talk a lot during movies that stress me out, which calms me down but undoubtedly annoying to everyone else.



I missed a day, but maybe that's okay because growing up Sunday was always a "day of rest" anyhow.
The other day Kareen was coming to pick me up for errands and other things, around the time I thought she'd be getting here she called to say all the streets leading to my house were blocked off by police cars. I looked out my front door and could see across to the church parking lot where there were a lot of people/cars in the parking lot so I suggested maybe I could get over there and she could pick me up there instead. Except for then we both thought about it and if there are police cars blocking roads maybe something scary was happening. So I shut the door, locked it and made sure my back door was locked as well. Then I got super scared because what if a bad guy was hiding out on my back porch? Should I make a run for it? Should I yell out to a policeman and have him come search my house and then escort me out? I'd worked myself up into quite a frenzy when Kareen called me back to let me know that they were blocking the streets for a funeral procession.

My powers of imagination and exaggeration are alive and kicking.


Good memories were made

Last night I went to happy hour with Kareen and Erica. It seemed like a good idea when we got there to sit outside, that way we could enjoy the view and it didn't seem too hot. We were WRONG!
It is too hot to sit outside when you sweat through your dress and have to worry about a sweat soaked booty when you stand up. I had to pull up the outer layer of the dress I was wearing (also I had on booty shorts so things weren't x rated) and Erica had to alternate between sitting on a hip so her undercarriage could get some air.



I just got home from an epic pool/sunbathing session with Erica. I don't know if the sun did something to my brain but I suddenly had the realization that I'm ready to have a crush. Like a giddy, butterflies in my stomach, have a reason to get gussied up type crush.

So, there it is universe. Bring it on.



I wonder what I'd write if I wrote here every day? Maybe some good things, undoubtedly some pointless things. Anyway I'm going to try it. I'll commit to a month for now and see how that goes.

Today I'm going to talk about my two brothers who will both be getting married in the next year. My brother Paul proposed to his girlfriend (now fiance) before we went on vacation. He didn't say anything to us the entire time because they agreed they wanted to tell us together and she wasn't able to come with him. He's been with Cassie for a couple years now (maybe more, I'm bad at keeping track) and I really like her. Since announcing their engagement they've both been around more so I've gotten to know her even more, she'll be a good addition. They are getting married 3/3/12.
Ken has been with his girlfriend Emily for almost a couple years as well. They are not engaged but apparently they already have a wedding date set for May. So maybe they're pre-engaged? I don't know all I know is that she was able to come to Priest Lake with us this year and I'm so glad she was because that girl is cute and super sweet. It is weird to see little Ken with a girlfriend, holding her hand, kissing her, walking with his arm around her...weird.

So, I love when people are happy, especially people I love. But as the big sister it's becoming a little more difficult to muster up all the excitement they deserve because I'm a little bit jealous. There, I said it. It's not pretty and I'm not proud of it but it's there. I don't want them to not get married or stop being happy with their person, but...couldn't I have found mine first? And now I'm going to go pout in the corner with my blanket.



This is my little house

Here is the view from my front porch.

This is my vegetable garden.

These are some very baby zucchini

And the cutest baby tomatoes you ever did see.

I don't care how many positive adjectives you use...I'm still not buying it

I was on craigslist looking for things I want here for my new place. One of those things happen to be curtains for my living room and bedroom, so I typed "curtains" into the search box. Do you know what came up? Shower curtains. People selling shower curtains on craigslist. Why does this gross me out? Probably because it seems about a step up from buying underwear on craigslist.


Summer Reading Program

Since turning the page on this new chapter in my life I have literally been turning the pages of book after book after book.
I have been here in this new life for a little over a month and so far I have read these books:

Which was good, and made me cry, and made me want to knit like a maniac although I didn't, I just continued to read instead.

Then I started on a run of chick-lit novels which were predictable, cute and only rarely made me feel mad or jaded which is good. They were perfect companions to the sunshine I was reading them in. If I had to recommend one over the others it would be Twenties Girl.

The cover of Godmother makes it look like it might be scary or creepy - not at all like what is actually happening on the inside which contains fairy's and magic. And also a few tears.
Someone at some point had already told me about Me&Emma (which I won't do) but it didn't stop me from wanting to read the book or get to know this sweet little main character.
I'd waited a long time to read this book. I knew that people I knew loved it, couldn't put it down...but that's about all I knew about it. I too could not put it down. In fact I was a big giant nerd one day and read it while I was walking home from the bus.
I finished reading this book just moments ago and it was....beautiful. I'm not sure if that's exactly the right word, but it's the best I can do. It too made me cry (apparently I cry over books a lot).
Finally, there was Bossypants which I want to recommend to everyone! Tina Fey is hilarious and awesome and I wish I could be her friend.

I'm not sure what I'm going to read next. It might be The Girl who Played with Fire I'll decide after I go put on my bikini.


Don't Stop Believing

The back-story:: I have been going to dance camps for the past eighteen years (yikes!), some of those times as a camper, others as a coach, and many many more times as an instructor. I have been to hundreds of dance camps, seems like an exaggeration but...it is not and this past week at camp at the University of Puget Sound with Hanford High School I had hands-down best experience ever.

The set-up::Along with dancers and cheerleaders at this camp there was also a Mormon camp (Especially for Youth) going on at the same time. We all had the same meal times which was crowded and meant for long lines.

The story::Last night at dinner we were sitting down already with our food when EFY started coming in. Because the lines were so long some of those kids sat down at the piano in the main dining area and started playing. One boy in particular was really good,, he sat there for a while playing beautiful music, then he played something that he was singing to but no one else could hear what it was. When he finished playing that song I turned to the head coach and dancers and said If this were a musical everyone would’ve started singing along and everyone would’ve gotten up and danced. I wish my life were a musical. Approximately 5 seconds later I hear the opening notes to Don’t stop believing.... and do you know what happened?

Thats right. Everyone- cheerleaders, dancers, EFY kids, coaches, everyone all across the dining room started singing along and clapping. There wasnt any dancing (probably because there wasnt room and unlike musicals real people don’t dance on tables) but the spontaneous singing was enough for me. That moment will be one of my favorite moments in life.



Some days I wake up in the morning and I think "I'm going to be super productive today!" And then I modify that by making addendum's like...."right after I have my coffee" or "right after I read this chapter".... It goes on like that until sure enough most of the day is gone and I still haven't been productive at all. There is a small (teeny tiny) part of my brain that feels guilty about reading an entire book in one day and not doing anything else, but it's so small and easy to ignore that I barely notice it's there anymore.


Here I am

I've been doing a lot of things since I moved. Some of them fun, others...not so much.

Unpacking - Not fun. Going through box after box that I felt like I'd just packed trying to figure out where everything was going to go was grueling. Eventually, one by one, the boxes were emptied and broken down. My place is now coming together...but there are still quite a few things left to hang and things without a home yet. Pictures will happen once I'm satisfied.

Sunshine - So much fun! I've been over to the pool at my brother and sister-in-law's house a couple of times and taken advantage of having a yard of my own. I love having a backyard, I can throw on a bikini, walk out my backdoor with a book and feel like I'm hidden away in a warm world of my own.

Bike riding/taking the bus - Meh.... I made a HUGE mistake and for my first bike ride in many, many, many years I decided to ride over 7 miles to my sister Kareen's house. It was horrible and not nearly as flat as I'd imagined in my head. I couldn't believe how much longer the roads seemed and to make matters worse my seat loosened up halfway through the ride and got so low I couldn't extend my legs and the seat kept swiveling. It took me an hour to get to her house and my bike is still out there until I can trick myself into believing the ride back won't be so bad.
Riding the bus has been surprisingly okay. Although it's quite a bit different than public transportation in Portland, it's also a lot less crowded so I never have to sit by someone and people generally leave me alone. However the buses don't run after 6:30pm...so hopefully I don't ever need to go anywhere at night.

Family - Fun! I had Claire and Abby over the other night to spend the night and they were just oh too cute. I should have just video'd the whole experience because some of the things they said and did are just not as cute when explained. Plus when they woke up in the morning I could hear them giggling for about 10 minutes before they finally came out. I have no idea what they were doing but it made me happy.

Work - Surprising. I've found myself with two jobs for the upcoming year. Both dance related and I'm so excited about both of them! I've only just begun with them but I think they'll keep me on my toes.


I need a break

After living in a place for four years things tend to pile up. I knew I had a lot of stuff, but I had no idea that on day three of packing I would still feel like I am just getting started. I have filled 13 boxes, 4 plastic bins, and 6 duffel bags and no, that doesn't include clothes of any sort.
I have to fight my natural tendencies, which are: to look at all my things, read through my notebooks/journals, get sentimental about where things came from...or to put it another way:

I've always been that way and since the trait has lasted for 32 years I imagine I'll always be this way, I just can't help it. I'm easily distracted (for example, I am writing this blog post while I'm supposed to be packing) and easily worn out. When I was little and I was supposed to clean my room I'd spend most of my time closely examining a few choice little items and then spend a minute or two shoving everything I was supposed to clean into backpacks or suitcases or whatever I could find. My bed was flat on the ground so nothing could go under there.
However I don't think my parents would be too pleased with me if they showed up next week only to find I'd hidden things instead of packing them. So, I'm packing. Here's the proof:


Nerd Love

I was talking to my mom the other day about my move and how all my things were going to fit into my new "little house". My mom said she thought that one whole room was going to have to be dedicated to my clothes and that she wasn't sure how all my books were going to fit. I said that I'd been thinking that same thing myself, trying to imagine all my things in there and how I'm going to arrange everything. My mom then suggested that I could maybe just box some of my books and keep them in the garage for a while.
I think I paused for a little and then said "well, I could box up my out of season clothes and put those in the garage until I need them."
My mom laughed and said "I forgot who I was talking to."
I think most girls would choose to box up books, or get rid of them all together...but I am a special brand of girl, the nerd kind and I love my books more than I love my clothes.



Lately I've become obsessed with this website: pinterest. At first when my sister Kareen said she'd started using it I didn't really get it. I signed up and spent a few disinterested minutes poking around before deciding that I'd much rather stumble and returned to where I was comfortable. I kept going back to give pinning a try and eventually I was full boar in love.
Here are some of my favorite pins to get you interested:
Words to live by:

Source: wanelo.com via Jill on Pinterest

Something to make:

Something to make you swoon:

Source: tumblr.com via Jill on Pinterest

Time you enjoy is not time wasted...



I am a very fair person. I think I've mentioned this before. If I am responsible for dishing things out/cutting/pouring, the task seem so important I will inevitably stress out trying to make sure everyone gets the same exact amount of whatever it is. I have tried to pinpoint this to my childhood, and reasoned with myself that I am this way because I grew up with so many siblings that I now have the desire to make things uber fair; except none of my other siblings ending up with that weird quirk. Just me. I go with it. In my world, if you are sharing something with me, it is going to be VERY fair.
Life at the moment does not seem to be playing along with those rules. It has been consistently giving me the smaller pour, so much smaller that I'm looking at my glass compared to the others and thinking "hey, you almost missed me entirely!"

Today my love, the father of my angel baby, moved out of our place. I am heartbroken, beaten down, and blotchy.


Wicked Envy

I shrink from the water, in the instant
it hits me I cringe. A mini barrage
of liquid blades hit my skin, an ailment-
inconvenient pain, no soothing massage
for me. Now, cleanliness is a debate
I often choose to lose. Shying away
from ugly black clouds. Stuck as an inmate
in corners and rooms-as others sashay
in and out of view unaware of my
stare. Umbrella-less pedestrians in-
spire jealousy. A sudden splash-my
instant demise, I shriek-the final pin.
An existence plagued by irritation
perhaps I’ll return, a soul twice bitten.


Right, Left, Right, Left, Right....oh crap

This evening I was walking to class and for some reason started to concentrate on my steps. And then, I forgot how to walk. My right leg suddenly start taking really high steps and then when I tried to stop I scuffed my foot on the ground and stumbled. Then I tried just walking normal but both legs decided they needed to do high stepping. Luckily by the time class was over I'd figured it out again.


Through the looking glass

My life is not what it used to be. I've felt for a long time that I had nothing to say outside of my grief and so I said nothing. I'm not sure that was the best way to handle it, and so starting today I'm changing that. I have started another blog so that I can write specifically about what I'm feeling/thinking in regards to my darling sweet Lucas. I'm not putting those thoughts on this blog because for the first time I feel like I have things to write about that are outside the realm of grief and that's what I want this space to be. But maybe, there are some friends that are wondering what's going on in my head or how I'm holding up and if you want to you can head on over there and find out.

Thank you to everyone who've sent me their thoughts and love, I have been horrible at responding but that doesn't mean it's gone unnoticed. You've held me up and helped me more than you'll ever know. Through all of this I've been reminded of how lucky I am to be surrounded by so much love.