I have so many good things in my life, I should be happy. But, I'm having a hard time finding the happy.
It does not help my broken heart, or my bitterness, when my roommate has her boyfriend over all the time. It used to be me and mine cooking in the kitchen, watching tv and hanging out and now I'm alone. And I have to just be alone and hear them hanging out, cooking, and talking. It hurts.
When someone breaks your heart it's hard to know how to heal. It's hard to know what to do with the love you once felt and now, the hate that's mixed in with the love that's still left behind. At least it is for me.
I don't handle a broken heart as well as I wish I could, and I often find myself crying out of the blue. Sometimes it's in the safety of my own house, and sometimes it's embarrassingly in public and it's even more embarrassing when I'm alone. Something new that has developed with this round of broken heart are violent dreams. I keep having dreams where I am punching and physically hurting this person, and I am not a violent person. I mean naturally I always end up sobbing after I hurt them and I realize it didn't heal my wounds but for the moment when I'm hitting it actually feels quite good. Maybe I should find somethings to break, maybe I should take up boxing, I should definitely not start punching walls though, or actual people.
The other thing that comes to me with a broken heart is the bitterness. It's ugly and unattractive but I'm not sure how to package it up and send it away.
I used to have this dream for my life....I made it when I was younger, but I never dreamed that I would have a difficult time fulfilling this dream. Here it is:
I would meet the man I would marry when I was around 25, date for a year or so, get engaged, be married when I was around 27ish, and then after a few years of being married start having kids.
It seemed like a simple enough dream, something that I didn't think I would have a problem making my life. And then I turned 25, and then 26...and the years kept passing and none of the steps happened. Here I am at 30 1/2 years old and I still haven't even started step #1. And, I've started to realize that this dream of mine might never come true, the problem is I'm having a very hard time coming up with a dream that I was even more or just as much as that one. So, I'm creating different dreams and I'm hoping that they will eventually make me feel okay about my life if that other one never does come true.