Note on my broken heart

It does not help my broken heart, or my bitterness, when my roommate has her boyfriend over all the time. It used to be me and mine cooking in the kitchen, watching tv and hanging out and now I'm alone. And I have to just be alone and hear them hanging out, cooking, and talking. It hurts.

I have so many good things in my life, I should be happy. But, I'm having a hard time finding the happy.

Diary of a broken heart

When someone breaks your heart it's hard to know how to heal. It's hard to know what to do with the love you once felt and now, the hate that's mixed in with the love that's still left behind. At least it is for me.

I don't handle a broken heart as well as I wish I could, and I often find myself crying out of the blue. Sometimes it's in the safety of my own house, and sometimes it's embarrassingly in public and it's even more embarrassing when I'm alone. Something new that has developed with this round of broken heart are violent dreams. I keep having dreams where I am punching and physically hurting this person, and I am not a violent person. I mean naturally I always end up sobbing after I hurt them and I realize it didn't heal my wounds but for the moment when I'm hitting it actually feels quite good. Maybe I should find somethings to break, maybe I should take up boxing, I should definitely not start punching walls though, or actual people.

The other thing that comes to me with a broken heart is the bitterness. It's ugly and unattractive but I'm not sure how to package it up and send it away.

I used to have this dream for my life....I made it when I was younger, but I never dreamed that I would have a difficult time fulfilling this dream. Here it is:

I would meet the man I would marry when I was around 25, date for a year or so, get engaged, be married when I was around 27ish, and then after a few years of being married start having kids.

It seemed like a simple enough dream, something that I didn't think I would have a problem making my life. And then I turned 25, and then 26...and the years kept passing and none of the steps happened. Here I am at 30 1/2 years old and I still haven't even started step #1. And, I've started to realize that this dream of mine might never come true, the problem is I'm having a very hard time coming up with a dream that I was even more or just as much as that one. So, I'm creating different dreams and I'm hoping that they will eventually make me feel okay about my life if that other one never does come true.

Things that have gone on recently:

Thursday I was finally feeling better after feeling sick all week. So, as a celebration I decided to walk to the studio to take Evie's delightful Burly-Q class. I made it about 5 blocks before I almost got hit by a car. Which, would have been WAY worse than being sick. I've joked in the past about "almost getting hit" I've "almost been hit" by a bike, motorized wheelchair, and other cars...However, this time I am seriously serious. I had to run and jump out of the way and yet, even though I had the right of way (I was crossing at a cross walk, with the little walk symbol encouraging me forward) the woman behind the wheel had the gall to look annoyed at ME. I should've just stood there and let her hit me, see how annoyed she would've been at paying my hospital bills. Ha!
Yesterday I bought my books for school. Luckily some of my books are Shakespeare plays which I can get at Powell's for under $3 a piece because my other books nearly broke the bank. One of them can't even be classified as a book because really it's just a stack of 3 hole punched papers with no binding or cover. Highway robbery I tell you, that "book" is just a stack of papers and not a "book" at all.
Wednesday night we finally got our icebugs and were able to practice dancing on the ice. However, since I was still sick I just basically stood on the ice and moved my arms around. I do not feel like I am prepared for the game tonight. Hopefully I manage ice better than everyday walking, because I manage to fall in my everyday walking adventures.

Lost and Found

The new roommate is all moved in. Well, mostly. She's still got a few things laying around. But I have to say...it's nice to have this place occupied again. It's felt so empty since Stephanie moved out. Plus it's been a good motivator for me to keep it clean. Also, it motivated me to clean my room which is good because it sure did need it. I sort of want to rearrange but that means cleaning under the bed and I'm not sure I'm ready for that quite yet. Under the bed is where my "important" papers go. I don't have a desk or really any drawer designated to my personal important papers so they all go under the bed...not a very good filing system but until I have something better that's what I do.

Things about me that sometimes I wish were different:

I have nightmares if I watch anything even remotely violent or scary. Last night I watched Dateline with the manfriend and had three separate nightmares last night that people were trying to kill me. I have had to give up many things I used to enjoy because of my overactive imagination, things like CSI/Law & Order and Suspense Novels of all sorts. However this can sometimes be a good thing because it also is true if I watch something like Harry Potter...I have dreams that I am magic. And those, those are GOOD dreams.

I am very sensitive. I get my feelings hurt very easily and on top of that I have a hard time letting go of things. I usually am upset until I feel like the person who hurt my tender feelings has suffered adequately. Really though, I usually wind up just hurting me more in the long run. There really is no upside to this personality flaw, but I am not sure how to fix it so I just try to move forward knowing this about myself.

Things about me that I would not change for a million dollars:

I am easily amused. It does not take much to entertain me, which means my life is generally entertaining and enjoyable. I laugh a lot, even at my own jokes. I think this little thing has helped keep me young.

I am a very trusting person, and trust people right away until they give me a reason not to. I know a lot of people who are opposite, who wait to trust until people prove they can be trusted and I think that's okay too, but they spend a lot of time not believing what is being said to them and doubting people. I think for me trusting is the best way to go.

I am very easy going, and usually am very good at going with the flow. Letting the knowledge that things will always work out calm me and move me forward. I don't have a lot of stress in my life because of this and I like that I am able to keep this attitude even when things get hard.

We had our first practice for Winterhawks on Wednesday night. It was so much fun, we just worked on a dance that we did at auditions, we also did across the floor which I hadn't done in sooo long. I had to concentrate so hard on making sure my body did what it was supposed to do.

Then...we were taught the end of the routine, and I swear it was the hardest thing I'd done all practice. All of us were falling over ourselves and laughing at how hard the moves were. The moves? Walking. In a pattern. Don't ask dancers to walk, it's hard.

Back to School

Today I spent ALL day at PSU at orientation. Some of it was useful information. Some of it was not. Some of it was clearly intended for people who are not very bright and should maybe not be returning to a college situation.
Information such as: learning how to use the Library. Seriously? Has someone made it through the public education system without learning how to use a library? All the filings even on computers now...you don't even have to search through drawers and drawers of information trying to find the book your looking for and where in the library it's going to be. Now that shit needed some explanation.
Another thing I really don't understand is when people ask the same question as the person in front of them. Slightly reworded, dressed as a new question...but the answer is the same...and then they act confused. I rolled my eyes at some of those people today.

Some good things about today were:
I got registered for classes! Class that I need, and more importantly classes that I am excited about. First year French, Shakespeare, and Human Development. I am also going to try to get late added to one more English class on the first day of school. Woohoo!

Another good thing was that I learned how to read my transcript form thingy and realized that I got really good grades when I went to college the last time. And I am shocked, because honestly I did not apply myself. At All. I did the opposite of apply myself. I had pages and pages of class "notes" with poems and letters written in the margins. There were classes that I consistently slept through, even more that I skipped, and even a couple that I never even opened the books for. What the hell? Now that I'm going to be actually trying to get good grades my brain better pull up and work for me.

I have a friend, who I met while I was his manager at 24 Hour Fitness, neither of us work there any longer but luckily our friendship has continued. Besides him making going to work worthwhile he has also sent me some of the most amazing texts I've ever read. I've saved almost all of them in case I ever need a laugh..but pretty soon I'm going to be getting a new phone.
So, I decided to put the texts online so that I can enjoy them for longer and so can everyone else. Most of the texts stand alone and need no explanation others I'll give a brief back story to.
We start all the way back in July 2008:

Fitness 24hours a day! Except on weekends, then they need to go somewhere else. I got stuff to do.

I never thought I'd have a job with a requirement of hourly dance parties. I think I'm officially brainwashed. (side note: that was only a requrement for him.)

did kyle show you the click click? (s.n.: we used to name the dance moves we created)
i knew it needed some work but i didn't want to hurt his feelings. he didn't even shake anything.
we can't hold it against him, how is he supposed to know if we don't teach him. let's just be encouraging for now, baby steps!

(About SYTYCD)
we should try out for next season! when mry murphy sees our shakes, we're gonna get our tickets to the hot tamale train!
toot toot! i love when her drinks kick in towards the end. my all time favorite was when she wasn't happy and said "that will get no scream from me tonight."

Ok I have to take a break from typing but will continue this later.

I'm a little stressed out today that I have to find a roommate. I thought I'd found someone, but nope. Then, I thought I found someone else but, again, nope. And then it happened again just today so I'm back at square one with just a few weeks left before October. How do the months go by so fast? Geez.

In the morning I get an I-pod touch. Super fancy. So, now I'll have a laptop AND a super fancy i-pod. Now all I need is a phone that actually works and I'll be pretty much all set in the electronics department.

Walking to the studio tonight I saw a guy dressed in head to two purple. From his purple full face ski mask all the way down to his purple shoes. He had on purple long sleeves and purple leggings. I tried not to stare, because that's probably what he was hoping for and I do not want to promote that sort of behavior. Because that sort of behavior is the sort that would freak me out if I was walking home by myself some night.

Since I've spent all of my life up until this point without a computer of my own there have been quite a few things that I've been busy doing online the past couple of days. Some of the things are pretty reasonable, like cleaning out the inboxes of my email accounts (yes multiple) and I have found a TON of emails that I really should have responded to. I bet there are a lot of people out there who are a little ticked off that I never wrote them back. Whoops.

Other things are not so important, like checking all the blog sites that I have found over the years and enjoy. I have also played some games that suck in way too much of my time.

I'm hoping that after a few days the thrill of having the internet right at my fingertips whenever I want it will die down so I can go back to the real world where people talk and interact with me.

New!

I bought a new laptop today. My first computer of my very own and I love it. I looked for a long time to find a computer that would be good for what I need...mostly for school and to get on the internet. (Like what I'm doing now.)
I start school in just a few weeks and I'm so excited but also a little scared to go back to school again. What if my brain has turned to mush in the past eight years.

Update

It's been a long time since I've felt like writing anything about my life. Mostly because I haven't really loved my life for a while...it's just been sort of...meeh. 

Here are some of the small highlights:

I can do two chinups in a row now.

I got to go see The Veronica's in concert with Stephanie and they were Amazing and so cute.

Every week  I look forward to So You Think You Can Dance..and so far have not been disappointed

And now for the Bigger Stuff:

I have a new niece and she is SO pretty. Marcela was born June 27th and I got to go home and meet her over 4th of July weekend. Stefani and Kyle are adorable and great parents, and they have a beautiful little girl who I can't wait to see more!

I quit my job. I guess I just need to hate going there enough to give me the drive I needed to go back to school. I start in the fall...and then someday I'll be an english/lit teacher in high school.

Last night I got to see Tori Amos in concert again. I sat way up front in the second row and it was so much fun to be able to see her face and watch her get into her music. I just wish I could've watched her hands as well. She played so many songs that I love and then also a lot I didn't know.

Things

I think it's been a while since I've written anything. I wish I had a lot of exciting things to write about...but sadly I do not. I will wrap things up in a series of quick short paragraphs.

I turned 30. (ok, so that was sort of exciting) I had a WONDERFUL birthday day, with a lot of spoiling from my sisters. They did a fantastic job of making me feel special and not at all old. I was made to wear a sparkly tiara to happy hour and dinner. Which I secretly loved, and forgot I was even wearing until someone would comment on it or look at me strange. I loved the dinner I had and that so many lovely and special people came and met me out. So far I love being 30.

I did get a week into being 30 though without even so much as a kiss...so I had to call someone and make him kiss me. I don't think he minded too much. Probably.

My sister-in-law is getting close to her due date. June 20th! We had her baby shower this past weekend and it was beautiful. It was also a lot of work, and I think I am just barely recovering from my lack of sleep. I require A LOT of beauty sleep. I can not wait for their baby to be born, I love being an aunt so much.

Finally, boys continue to be dumb. I don't understand them, I don't know why I keep trying. They confuse me and hurt my feelings and yet, I still continue to like them. Maybe I'm dumb. Hmmm.....

Some geeky facts about me

-I like to spend entire weekends/days watching Lord of the Rings, and/or Harry Potter

-I love to read, and have even tried to keep reading while walking down the street. I also can be found reading at all hours of the night if I'm really into a book

-I discovered I enjoy knitting a few years ago, and even though I still only knit scarves, it makes me happy

-I wish I could be magic. Like the Harry Potter kind of magic. 

I don't think I necessarily look like a geek (except for when I wear my glasses) so I think it surprises people when they find out the geeky things about me. 

Desperately wishing for a maid

I decided to clean today, I started in the front of the house with the Library and have been trying to make my way through every room. I was fairly efficient with Library and Living Room, slowed down a little by the time I got to Kitchen and my room and have now come to a stand still before the Bathroom and Dressing Room. I am telling myself I'll just take a short break and then tackle the rest...but I'm dangerously close to not getting up off the couch.

My only motivation at this point is that I told the boy that I would have the whole house cleaned by the time he got here tonight, and if I don't then I know he's gonna give me a hard time about it. And I really hate having to hear from him what a mess my place is. I've been hearing about how messy I am my whole life, I have never been tidy...and I might never be. (shhh, don't tell him)

Also I'm pretty sure all my neighbors have gotten a pretty good show since I raised all the blinds and have been dancing around the entire time.

Yay Day Off!

Today is my first day off in what feels like forever, even though it's only been 7 days. I wanted to sleep in by my stupid body just woke right up at 6:30am. Gross!

Last night for Lumberjax dance practice we went bowling, and generally I try to avoid situation in which I'm going to look like an idiot....but, I did soooo good bowling last night. Ok, so not really sooo good in regular people standards, but good for me. I bowled an 85. Which might sound mostly pathetic, but considering one time I bowled a 7, that was a big improvement.

One for the Record Books

I did something today that I never really thought I would have to do...break up with someone via text message.

I tried to call to talk about it but since my phone calls were ignored I didn't really see any other way around it. Plus Stephanie gave me permission to text dump so, I did. 

Luckily we hadn't really been dating all that long, so maybe a longer more drawn out sort of break up was not necessary. But since this had been the first guy I'd dated in nearly four years it did seem a little unusual to not do it face to face. Oh well...

Saturday Morning

I am sitting in the bathroom to post this blog...it is the only place we get internet in our house right now. I suppose if it weren't freezing out I could go sit on the back porch and it would work even better, but since I don't feel like freezing my nads off I will get as close to the back porch as possible while staying inside.

If I weren't sitting on the bathroom floor I would consider my Saturday morning nearly perfect. I sat and looked at the hilarious website cakewrecks.blogspot.com with Stephanie, I'm drinking coffee and I found out that I get to see my friend Tamra again in just a week, plus I'm listening to my i-pod and I do so love my music. I also started my morning by grabbing my book from where I left it last night in my bed and read a little bit. Hmmm, wonderful glorious day off!

Yesterday I went to Powells with the intention to get 1 or 2 books to read this weekend, what happened was though that I walked out with 8 books. That place is dangerous for me. The problem was that I'd already found a few books I wanted to get and then Kareen called me back and made some recommendations...so, I had to get those too. I ended up leaving with:

Those who save us

Before the Storm

Change of Heart

Glass House

Beauty's Punishment

Beauty's Release

(those two are books 2 & 3 in the erotic series of Sleeping Beauty by Ann Rice...yes, I did say erotic...v. trashy, but entertaining)

The Smart One and the Pretty One

Peony in Love

Yay Books! Begin the nerdery that will by my weekend. I can't wait. I just finished up a work "week" that was 9 days long, with 3 of those days beginning at 6am and half of those days being 10-12 hours each. So gross! But, I made it through and now I will reward myself with delicious laziness and tanning.

Things I am looking forward to:

-My workout today. I haven't worked out in a while, I hurt my neck, and then I got overworked and what with all those excuses built right in I had a hard time convincing myself into my workout clothes.

-My sisters coming to visit next weekend. Yahoo sister weekend! (Hi Gina! I love you, me and you should do a sister weekend sometime too!)

-Stephanie and I are going to make cake tonight. After looking at some beautiful cakes today we decided we needed to eat cake, even if it wasn't pretty or decorated. It will still be cake.

-My books.

-Going home in a few weekends. Really, I am totally obsessed with my family. Seriously, everyone should be so lucky as to have a family like mine

Ok, that's enough for now...I will now go finish one of my books so that I can start on another one. 

Exciting news!

I know that maybe I'm a little more into my family than some people, and that everyone who isn't my family probably gets tired of hearing all my stories about my nieces and nephews...but I can't help it. And, something that's exciting for me is that my brother Kyle and his wife are going to be having a baby in June (their first) and today they found out that they are having a girl. I get to be an aunt again for a new little baby for one of my other siblings. I want to call everyone I know, but I can't imagine that anyone will care as much as I do.

Hooray new baby girl!!!

Just Dance

I love dancing for the lumberjax, and yes lacrosse is a fun game to watch but....look...I get to wear sparkles. And lots of them. Mostly all the things we wear involve sparkles of some sort, we have red, gold, and silver, in dresses, shorts, tops and even jackets. Also, this year we've gotten to do a lot of photoshoots, and I love doing photoshoots...especially in fun little outfits. 

My sister's used to make fun of me for putting curlers in my hair to get ready for dance stuff, and while I don't still use curlers to get ready for dance I do put on a lot of make up and make my hair as big as possible.

Today though, I look very different from the sparkly girl who's ready to perform. Today, is my one day off this week and I of course am spending it in sweats on my couch. I am doing laundry (I only have two loads left) cleaning the kitchen, dressing room and my room (so far I've gotten part way through the kitchen) watching French Kiss (which reminds me of Rachael) and shopping for sheets online (my bed is a freak size so they don't sell the sheets I need in stores.) Later today I am going to go to the gym and work out. It will be my first time since I hurt my neck two and a half weeks ago, it's sad cause I can already tell I've lost some muscle. I even had a dream about being weak last night. Booo! I'm also hoping that after working out I have enough ambition to get myself up to go tanning...it is a lot of work to keep myself from looking see through out on the field.

It's a busy Wednesday here in Jilland.