I haven't been dealing with my emotions. I've been shoving them down, deep, deep down and then distracting myself with as many things as possible so my mind is never free to wander into the danger zones. At any given moment when I am home there are at least two things happening and sometimes three. Between t.v., movies, books, the internet, music, and sometimes writing on here my brain is almost always completely occupied. I know at some point I will probably have to deal with all the things I'm ignoring right now but this has been working for me and I was even starting to feel better, more my regular self. At least up until tonight when I got a voicemail from the Ex. How is that guys seem to know just when the break in your heart is almost scabbed over? It's like they wait until you're feeling strong and then Kablooey! with one little phone call all that hard work shot down. Now it's all I can think about, my regular distractions aren't quite enough and I'm mad about it. It was his choice to not be in my life so why does he feel like he can waltz back in as if it's no big deal? I would like to scream at him, punch him in the face, rip out whatever's left of his heart, trample on his privates and then jump up and down on his bad ankle. Too mean? That's why instead I'm just going to do my best to NOT call him back and hopefully push everything back down to the subterranean levels of my brain.
Also perhaps moving on is the best option, which is why I'm going on a new date this Thursday. I'm excited about this one. I've still got my hopes up about the possibility of finding love. I believe that it can happen for me and that it can be for real and for the rest of my life. I have to believe in that. I've come back around to the idea of applying for shows on t.v. and even though the success rate is not super high I would be willing to try it out. I've looked into it before but never really went anywhere with it. Part of the reason is because the applications want me to talk a lot about myself, describing myself in all sorts of ways and I look at all of that and give up before even starting. This time I'm going to enlist the help of people in my life, and yes I'm including all of the internet (all 3 people who read this...Thanks friends!) So if you want to help me I would LOVE it, here are the applications for the shows I'm considering:
CBS has a new dating show they're casting for called 3 - some of the questions on there I'm going to have to write myself because I doubt any one other than myself can say what my biggest fear is when it comes to dating.
Now for the big one: The Bachelor - yep even after all the craziness I have seen on that show I would still be willing to try it out because regular life dating hasn't been any better for me so why not try crazy town dating?
Most importantly I am ready to make-out with someone. It has been almost THREE years since I've kissed anyone other than the Ex and that is just unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE!