A choice

If you had to choose between extremes in emotions (i.e. feeling super happy over even little things or terribly sad about a tiny slight) or feeling just middle of the road about everything what would you choose? What would it be like to not have all the ups and downs? True it would mean you wouldn't get the highs when something amazing happened but you also wouldn't have to go through the tears and heartache when life was cruel. You could still do things like laugh if you heard a funny joke or saw someone trip over themselves, you just wouldn't feel it deep down to your heart, it would be surface level only. You could perhaps feel empathy if someone was upset but you would walk away from it without being affected for hours afterwards. If it meant you wouldn't have to go through hours crying alone, feeling as though your heart was trying to escape, clutching your fingers together cause the pain has no where else to go...would you give up the laughter in exchange?

 I've been thinking about this a lot tonight since lately I have been feeling a lot, and then today after getting my feelings hurt again I started in on a wish that maybe I just could shut up my feelings for a while. (Especially since saying I got my feelings hurt makes me feel like a five year old.) The more I thought about it though I realized that I've been through a section of my life where I felt in between emotions, I wasn't ever truly happy and I shut myself off from sadness, so I floated in between. Not really feeling, not really living.
All that to say: I pick my feelings. I know that they can sometimes be a lot to deal with, that I feel things deeply and intensely but having been through the alternative I can tell you it's not really a way (for me) to live. So, I'll take all the highs and all the lows and just hope that I continue to have more highs than lows. Even from just a year ago I smile a lot more, tell more jokes (that are at least funny to me), and I laugh (sometimes even when I'm by myself.) Yes, that means that I have to go through the lows by myself too - the downside of having big feelings is that sadness can be overwhelming - but having been reunited with the finding joy in the little things I wouldn't give it up for anything.

A little thing that gives me loads of happiness.

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