Can I live in my dreams instead?

In a dream last night I was getting married, and I remember thinking "wow, I guess people were right, it did happen when least expected." Dream Jill was not bitter one little bit (probably cause she was getting married) but I'm hoping that if my subconscious dream self hasn't turned bitter then there still hope to turn the rest of me around.

I think I have a ways to go yet since when a commercial on tv said "Love Rocks" my first thought in my head was "Love fucking sucks." 

Which I can't even say I totally believe, I don't think love sucks...for other people. I just think it sucks for me, and that, sucks.

Day 1

I've been boy crazy for ever, and up until now it's been mostly fun. I mean it's had the ups and downs but over all boys have really made my life fun and given me a reason to dress up every morning. But, something changed and so I've decided that I should put myself through a little boy detox. I'm telling the world wide web because I also apparently need to be held accountable for this by someone other than myself because I am no good at it.

I need to clear my head of the clutter and I think the only way to do that is to remove the things that are causing me confusion. I'm hoping that this process is like regular detox and can happen in like 21 days but it might take more time than that since I've been addicted to boys for so many years now.

Unseen

And if you would've come and watched the show on Sunday, that's exactly what I was...Unseen. Haha. I chose to only be in one of the pieces cause I knew that I would not have time to really learn and feel good about doing any more than that. However, I still get to say that I am a part of this group. They are amazing and so much fun to be around. We laugh a lot, and still look good when we're dancing. 

Anyhow, we decided that we'll be the new Danity Kane (never mind that we don't sing) and we divided up who got to be who. Well since Steph and I are the two blondes one of us should've been Shannon but...instead we decided it was more appropriate if we split Aubrey in two and were each her. She's a hot mess, and so are we sometimes.

What does the universe know anyhow?

My "daily singles" horoscope just told me that I need to help other reach their potential. What? Am I a freakin love cupid for others? Or is it saying that I need to start focusing on others for them to realize that I'm actually someone they want to be with? Hmm, that could make sense I guess....I am fairly self centered most of the time.

I guess I could try out being encouraging and self-less for a while. I mean I guess I can't be any more single than I am right now.

It got me thinking

Wowie it's been a long time since I've had enough computer time to write one here.

I was thinking this morning about something that someone said to me a million years ago. Ok, so not really a million, it was back in HS so probably more like 13 years ago or so.

My love of dance has always been a consuming one and not hard for other people to see. What she said to me was something along the lines of making sure my life was something bigger than just dance. She asked me if I would know who I was if one day I got into an accident and was unable to dance anymore, would I be just as happy being me in a world where I was not a dancer.

I've thought about that a lot over the years and my answer is always, yes, I would know who I am. I am not just a dancer, I am much more than that and what makes me me is a combination of many things. But....would I adjust to not dancing and still be as happy? Now that, I am not sure of. For so many years it has become my way to express myself, to shake off a bad day, or celebrate a good one, what would I do without it?

I guess I can only hope I never have to find out.

I write two places, here and myspace. On myspace I write about pretty much anything except boys because they might read it. However not many people know I write here so I'm going to write about them and how they make me feel sometimes.

Today I am feeling very frustrated. It seems that lately I have had a lot of male attention, from all over. This is not always the case, sometimes I can go months without any at all. Anyhow, the attention, it's been good one of the boys I even like and he lives right here in Portland. Things were going good I thought, even though I like him, and I also like to joke about him being my new bf (but come on I do that with everyone) things seemed to be moving at a good pace. We saw each other once maybe twice a week and it was always a good time. Seriously I wasn't looking to make him my boyfriend any time soon, there are other guys who are holding my interest right now. However, today he told me he's not in a place to have a relationship....which even though it's not the end of the world tells me to stop before I allow myself to be put in a place that would cause me even more disappointment. So, yesterday I had this guy that I was excited about, this cute boy who gave me butterflies when I saw him, and now, now I'm just left with an overall sense of disappointment and bitterness.

When will someone actually want to be my boyfriend? I like being single, really, I do. I wouldn't describe myself as desperate, but it would be nice after all this time....

Busy, sort of

Things I am doing today

Baking Cupcakes. Which really just included stirring everything together from a box and sticking them in the oven.

Watching Sex and the City. I'm getting ready for the movie release on Friday. I am getting dressed up with my girl friends, getting cosmos and then going to the movie. 

Doing my laundry. It's been a couple weeks so there are a few loads that either have to be done today or friday and since I have so much other stuff to do today I'm hoping I'll stay motivated to get it all done.

Later today I'm going to get drinks with my lovely friend Kimberly. And having slumber party at Evie's house. It's going to be a really great day.

A long string of thoughts. Good luck following them..

Sometimes I start writing an email to someone and can't make it past the first sentence. At times it's lucky that I'm able to censor myself because whatever I was about to write was surely better left unsaid. Emails to ex-boyfriends/love interests, bitchy emails to people who I felt had wronged me. Other times, they are emails to people who I just haven't talked to in a long time and I'm not sure where to start, what to say, how to explain my absence. After the first line I'm forced to examine where I want to go, what I'm hoping to accomplish, and if at that point I'm not sure how to proceed I just cancel out and go about my day. Sometimes I'll get past the first line, almost send it and then feel stupid, as if when the person I'm writing to sees I've written them they will think "weird, why would she write me? Gross." Probably that would never happen, because I love hearing from people I haven't heard from, so why wouldn't it be the same in reverse? 

I just started writing an email someone I haven't seen/talked to in a year. And I didn't send that one because the reason it's been so long is because that person just faded from my life by their own choice. So I figured it is not my responsibility to extend an offer of friendship after all this time, especially cause I tried so hard back then to keep them in my life.

I guess what I'm confused about is why I don't send all those other emails, the ones that are to people that would probably like to hear from me, because I would love to hear from them? What am I afraid of? Is it still rejection after all these years? I thought I'd gotten mostly over that long ago. 

I used to be so afraid that my friends really didn't want to hang out with me, I would never be the one to make the plans. I didn't have this fear in elementary/middle school, for some reason it started in high school. I had amazing friends in high school, but I did not believe in myself, did not like myself really, so how could I really believe that these other amazing people really wanted to be around me by choice. I never was the one who called up and asked them to come over and hang out. 

Anyhow, it took me a long time to get over that and I'm proud to say that I now truly do believe in and love who I am. So, I guess it goes back to the question....what am I afraid of? 

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

I keep having these dreams about making out with this boy from work. They are good dreams, I enjoy going to sleep at night knowing I might get to make out with him. However, it makes it a little weird when I see him the next day and I have to pretend I didn't spend the entire night before kissing him. Which means I usually just avoid talking to him or looking at him, not a good solution I know but it's the only way to keep me from being beet red the entire time. I do not look attractive beet red.

Tag I'm It

Kareen tagged me. So, here it goes 7 random/unknown facts about me:

1. When my parents were here visiting I snuck a Red Bull into the shower with me because I couldn't have coffee.

2. My favorite place to eat and snack is in my bed, which I know isn't very sanitary but it is very comfy.

3. I'm turning 29, and my life is nothing like I'd imagined when I was 23 or so, but I like who I am and I wouldn't change anything.

4. I forgive much easier than I used to but I don't really ever forget.

5. I usually say it like it's a joke, but I do wish I could be magic and think that if I just concentrated hard enough I could make myself magic

6. I love TV. Well, most of it, a lot of it. I love Desperate Housewives, Scrubs, The Office, 30 Rock, Grey's Anatomy. Some people think watching TV is bad or something, I think it's wonderful.

7. I wish I could have everyone I love live in the same place. Not just the same city, but the same block, the same area, the same huge house. I'm not a person who likes to do things alone.

Some Things

I just finished reading "The Other Boleyn Girl" which I loved. But, it also made me realize that even though we live in a time where women are more in charge of their lives men still want or want to believe they can tell a woman what to do, and that because she is a woman she should do it. Take for example the incident while I was working out. That would never happen to a man, but because I'm a girl he thought it was acceptable to walk up to me and tell me how and what I should be doing. Over the past couple days I have had a few strange interactions with men, requests that I know would not be made if roles were reversed. It's put me on the slightly bitter side and also made me very glad that my head will nto be cut off for speaking out.
I am now going to move on to reading the third in the Vampire series I am reading. I still get just as easily get caught up in the story, but I can remind myself that it's fiction.

I am getting ready to go to the Oregon Coast for the next day and am really wishing that somehow southern California could send their weather on up for the weekend. It would be really great if I didn't have to see my breath anymore.

Next Time I'm going to wear a shirt that says "Piss off!"

I just got done working out, actually I didn’t really finish, I left the gym in a huff before even halfway done. I like being left alone when I’m working out, I don’t like being corrected. Mostly because, goddess of lifting weights, Stephanie has shown me how and I don’t really stray from what she tells me to do. So, I feel pretty good about what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. Tonight though some guy walked up and started in with critiques and acted like I should be thankful. I wasn’t. I rolled my eyes at him, which I realize is the opposite of nice but I don’t care. He then went over to some other guy and started telling him about it, about what I was doing wrong and how he told me to fix it. I think because I had my earphones in he thought I couldn’t hear him. Yeah? Well I could.
So, I’m wondering....why the hell is it ok for him to walk up and correct me? Was he expecting me to swoon and be thankful that such a strong man was helping me out? Would he ever dream of doing this to another guy working out? I really doubt it.
Anyhow, it made me leave because I feel self concious enough most of the time anyway and don’t need to feel like someone is judging and waiting to correct everything I’m doing. I wanted to punch his face.

Starting over

Things I sometimes like to write about:
The weather. Like for example today I was walking around and it smelled like spring. It was wonderful, but still freezing.
Tripping and other non-graceful type things. I do this more often than I should admit. I've lost toenails, sprained toes, and gotten scratches/bruises that I can't explain.
Boys. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not.
Books, music and other small things I love so they are big to me.
Mostly, if it's something in my life I'll probably like to write about it even if it's not interesting. I've kept blogs on here before, but deleted them and am now starting over. Springtime is everywhere. Hooray!