A long string of thoughts. Good luck following them..

Sometimes I start writing an email to someone and can't make it past the first sentence. At times it's lucky that I'm able to censor myself because whatever I was about to write was surely better left unsaid. Emails to ex-boyfriends/love interests, bitchy emails to people who I felt had wronged me. Other times, they are emails to people who I just haven't talked to in a long time and I'm not sure where to start, what to say, how to explain my absence. After the first line I'm forced to examine where I want to go, what I'm hoping to accomplish, and if at that point I'm not sure how to proceed I just cancel out and go about my day. Sometimes I'll get past the first line, almost send it and then feel stupid, as if when the person I'm writing to sees I've written them they will think "weird, why would she write me? Gross." Probably that would never happen, because I love hearing from people I haven't heard from, so why wouldn't it be the same in reverse? 

I just started writing an email someone I haven't seen/talked to in a year. And I didn't send that one because the reason it's been so long is because that person just faded from my life by their own choice. So I figured it is not my responsibility to extend an offer of friendship after all this time, especially cause I tried so hard back then to keep them in my life.

I guess what I'm confused about is why I don't send all those other emails, the ones that are to people that would probably like to hear from me, because I would love to hear from them? What am I afraid of? Is it still rejection after all these years? I thought I'd gotten mostly over that long ago. 

I used to be so afraid that my friends really didn't want to hang out with me, I would never be the one to make the plans. I didn't have this fear in elementary/middle school, for some reason it started in high school. I had amazing friends in high school, but I did not believe in myself, did not like myself really, so how could I really believe that these other amazing people really wanted to be around me by choice. I never was the one who called up and asked them to come over and hang out. 

Anyhow, it took me a long time to get over that and I'm proud to say that I now truly do believe in and love who I am. So, I guess it goes back to the question....what am I afraid of?