I write two places, here and myspace. On myspace I write about pretty much anything except boys because they might read it. However not many people know I write here so I'm going to write about them and how they make me feel sometimes.

Today I am feeling very frustrated. It seems that lately I have had a lot of male attention, from all over. This is not always the case, sometimes I can go months without any at all. Anyhow, the attention, it's been good one of the boys I even like and he lives right here in Portland. Things were going good I thought, even though I like him, and I also like to joke about him being my new bf (but come on I do that with everyone) things seemed to be moving at a good pace. We saw each other once maybe twice a week and it was always a good time. Seriously I wasn't looking to make him my boyfriend any time soon, there are other guys who are holding my interest right now. However, today he told me he's not in a place to have a relationship....which even though it's not the end of the world tells me to stop before I allow myself to be put in a place that would cause me even more disappointment. So, yesterday I had this guy that I was excited about, this cute boy who gave me butterflies when I saw him, and now, now I'm just left with an overall sense of disappointment and bitterness.

When will someone actually want to be my boyfriend? I like being single, really, I do. I wouldn't describe myself as desperate, but it would be nice after all this time....

Busy, sort of

Things I am doing today

Baking Cupcakes. Which really just included stirring everything together from a box and sticking them in the oven.

Watching Sex and the City. I'm getting ready for the movie release on Friday. I am getting dressed up with my girl friends, getting cosmos and then going to the movie. 

Doing my laundry. It's been a couple weeks so there are a few loads that either have to be done today or friday and since I have so much other stuff to do today I'm hoping I'll stay motivated to get it all done.

Later today I'm going to get drinks with my lovely friend Kimberly. And having slumber party at Evie's house. It's going to be a really great day.

A long string of thoughts. Good luck following them..

Sometimes I start writing an email to someone and can't make it past the first sentence. At times it's lucky that I'm able to censor myself because whatever I was about to write was surely better left unsaid. Emails to ex-boyfriends/love interests, bitchy emails to people who I felt had wronged me. Other times, they are emails to people who I just haven't talked to in a long time and I'm not sure where to start, what to say, how to explain my absence. After the first line I'm forced to examine where I want to go, what I'm hoping to accomplish, and if at that point I'm not sure how to proceed I just cancel out and go about my day. Sometimes I'll get past the first line, almost send it and then feel stupid, as if when the person I'm writing to sees I've written them they will think "weird, why would she write me? Gross." Probably that would never happen, because I love hearing from people I haven't heard from, so why wouldn't it be the same in reverse? 

I just started writing an email someone I haven't seen/talked to in a year. And I didn't send that one because the reason it's been so long is because that person just faded from my life by their own choice. So I figured it is not my responsibility to extend an offer of friendship after all this time, especially cause I tried so hard back then to keep them in my life.

I guess what I'm confused about is why I don't send all those other emails, the ones that are to people that would probably like to hear from me, because I would love to hear from them? What am I afraid of? Is it still rejection after all these years? I thought I'd gotten mostly over that long ago. 

I used to be so afraid that my friends really didn't want to hang out with me, I would never be the one to make the plans. I didn't have this fear in elementary/middle school, for some reason it started in high school. I had amazing friends in high school, but I did not believe in myself, did not like myself really, so how could I really believe that these other amazing people really wanted to be around me by choice. I never was the one who called up and asked them to come over and hang out. 

Anyhow, it took me a long time to get over that and I'm proud to say that I now truly do believe in and love who I am. So, I guess it goes back to the question....what am I afraid of? 

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

I keep having these dreams about making out with this boy from work. They are good dreams, I enjoy going to sleep at night knowing I might get to make out with him. However, it makes it a little weird when I see him the next day and I have to pretend I didn't spend the entire night before kissing him. Which means I usually just avoid talking to him or looking at him, not a good solution I know but it's the only way to keep me from being beet red the entire time. I do not look attractive beet red.