Jazzy Jill

Sometimes I like to dance, sometimes I love to dance, sometimes I'm really tired and would rather be sleeping, but... always I love teaching dance.

For a while now I've known that I also love Lady Gaga, she dresses crazy with a lot of sparkles and big hair. Her songs are fun and she has an actual good voice, not one that needs to be made good with machines and smoke screens. And then I started hearing and seeing interviews with her and it grew from mere loving to a sort of obsession.

So....Love Teaching + Love Gaga = Jazz dance spectacular:

I know I'm in the minority but....

I don't want pets. I just can't bring myself to care about them. I feel that over the years my character has probably been judged based on this fact. I can hear them now..."what kind of person doesn't like animals? Has she no heart? I bet she has a coat made out of dalmatian fur somewhere in that giant closet of hers.".....etc....

Still, I don't care. I can pretend to care...and once a in a while, if you catch me in the right mood, with the right dog or cat, I might ACTUALLY care for a minute. And then, inevitably I'll go back to the not caring.

It's indifference really. Probably the way those animal lovers feel when I start gushing on and on and on and on about my nieces and nephews, and perhaps even shove a picture of them in their faces. They don't really care, but they pretend to.

What I am not indifferent about however are strangers who allow their strange pets to get up on me. I have had a lot of these experiences over the years, and I always end up feeling like the bad guy cause I've just shoved some strangers dog out of my crotch. Again.."who shoves dogs? She must be a bitch. I hate her and her stupid blonde hair."

Yet, I feel like if I had a kid and allowed that kid to wipe their dirty chocolaty hands all over a strangers crotch area that would not be accepted. So how come I'm supposed to think it's cute when a stranger lets their strange dog (who might have just been licking it's own ass hole) do essentially the same thing?

I'm gonna just start looking at those people and saying..."I'm judging you based on your utter lack of consideration. Please get your dog off me in the next three seconds or you will be going to hell. I know people who can probably make that happen. Thank you."

Or, I could just get a shirt made with the following printed on it and put it on before going out in public. That could get the point across as well.

If a picture is worth 1000 words then I've done a lot of typing today

This was my first Valentine's Day with an actual boyfriend and I enjoyed myself. Neither of us think it's a holiday that is a very big deal but we spent the day together and he got me chocolaty surprises which is the best kind of surprise.

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone...

After my bout of doom and gloom I got to go home and watch my younger brother Ken come home from his mission. I always enjoy time with my family, but this was especially special. And to celebrate we went straight from the airport to my mom and dad's and stuffed our faces with food until we had to go lay down.

I also got to go to ballet/jazz class with my niece Abby. She's six, and right before class she got scared so I went in and did the warm up with her. After that she did great all on her own, she's such a cute little dancer!

The most random and fun thing that we did as a family though was play hide and go seek in my parents house. I'm not really sure how it got started, one second we were all sitting around talking about what game we were going to play, and then the next second all the lights were being turned off and everyone was scrambling to find a place to hide. I highly recommend incorporating this into your next family function.

Then, I think my body decided I'd had enough fun so I got sick. I slipped into a void of not moving. Today I have rejoined the world of the living and functioning, so far it's been a success...meaning I've stayed upright and awake but I'm about to head up to hip hop practice so that could change soon.

Little Black Raincloud

I can feel myself being pulled down the pissy drain, and yet there isn't a lot I can do about. Just knowing I'm acting like a maniac does not mean I have the power at this point to control or stop it. So, instead, when I hear my boyfriend chuckle because he thinks I'm being funny or cute I snap at him "What? What's so funny?" in a very not pleasant voice. Normally I would enjoy the fact that he thinks I'm adorable and funny...but right now I'm just pissed.

Other things that I've gotten pissy about include:

• Going to the computer lab to print off one of my papers and discovering that the computer I just sat down at someone is already working on. Were there other computers open? Yes. Did that matter to my piss poor attitude? Absolutely not.
• Getting to the building for class (which requires the use of an elevator) and having the people in the elevator see me, but not hold the doors for me. The list of names I called those little f*!*ers is not really appropriate for anyone to hear.
• The woman in my class who laughed at what another girl said, especially since it made that girl cry. Stupid lady, you're dumb, and old. Being old does not make you right. AND, someday I could be that crying girl...because any time I try to speak in class I feel like I could cry any second. Reinforces my current behavior of not speaking.
• Having to write a French composition in the same week that we had a French Exam. French is not my only class lady...please take that into consideration when writing your syllabus.

And, that's just all from today, thank god it's almost over.

Note on my broken heart

It does not help my broken heart, or my bitterness, when my roommate has her boyfriend over all the time. It used to be me and mine cooking in the kitchen, watching tv and hanging out and now I'm alone. And I have to just be alone and hear them hanging out, cooking, and talking. It hurts.

I have so many good things in my life, I should be happy. But, I'm having a hard time finding the happy.

Diary of a broken heart

When someone breaks your heart it's hard to know how to heal. It's hard to know what to do with the love you once felt and now, the hate that's mixed in with the love that's still left behind. At least it is for me.

I don't handle a broken heart as well as I wish I could, and I often find myself crying out of the blue. Sometimes it's in the safety of my own house, and sometimes it's embarrassingly in public and it's even more embarrassing when I'm alone. Something new that has developed with this round of broken heart are violent dreams. I keep having dreams where I am punching and physically hurting this person, and I am not a violent person. I mean naturally I always end up sobbing after I hurt them and I realize it didn't heal my wounds but for the moment when I'm hitting it actually feels quite good. Maybe I should find somethings to break, maybe I should take up boxing, I should definitely not start punching walls though, or actual people.

The other thing that comes to me with a broken heart is the bitterness. It's ugly and unattractive but I'm not sure how to package it up and send it away.

I used to have this dream for my life....I made it when I was younger, but I never dreamed that I would have a difficult time fulfilling this dream. Here it is:

I would meet the man I would marry when I was around 25, date for a year or so, get engaged, be married when I was around 27ish, and then after a few years of being married start having kids.

It seemed like a simple enough dream, something that I didn't think I would have a problem making my life. And then I turned 25, and then 26...and the years kept passing and none of the steps happened. Here I am at 30 1/2 years old and I still haven't even started step #1. And, I've started to realize that this dream of mine might never come true, the problem is I'm having a very hard time coming up with a dream that I was even more or just as much as that one. So, I'm creating different dreams and I'm hoping that they will eventually make me feel okay about my life if that other one never does come true.